How To Love Yourself Ft. Humble the Poet [Video]




Merry Christmas and happy holidays, friend. I know the holidays aren’t the easiest time for people, and no matter what today looks like for you, I wanted to share this video. It’s a beautiful conversation I had with my good friend Humble the Poet, where we talk about how to love yourself, set boundaries, and build healthier habits around love and attraction.

In this new video, we go deep. It touches upon some incredibly important truths relating to how to get back in touch with ourselves (and what makes us happy), so we can make better choices in a partner.

I found his words incredibly heartwarming and uplifting, and I hope you’ll feel the same way.

Happy holidays, everybody,
Matthew x


Transcript provided by YouTube:

today we have a guest a friend of mine humble the poet an author an emcee a
spoken word artist and an incredible thinker who has just written a book on
love and so I invited him along today to talk about self-love healing the patterns that we
engage in in early dating that sabotage us and I think what you’re going to find in listening to this conversation is not
just really valuable insights on men and Bridging the Gap between men
and women and understanding why men do the things they do it’s also going to be a really amazing
insight into the patterns that keep us from finding real love so uh I think the
best word I can use to describe this conversation is healing if you’re single right now I think you’re going to come
away from this conversation feeling better about being single right now
and also feeling like you have more hope for the future in finding someone
so I present to you humble the poet [Music]
humble what’s up man how you doing it’s good to have you yes this is the first
time we’ve done anything together professionally right I don’t think we’ve done anything like this
we started our relationship in the freezing cold in Poland yes on Wim Hof’s
Retreat yeah for four or five days I can’t even remember now and I had no
idea who you were yeah yeah we met there that’s what we met yeah we did everything from jumping into frozen cold
Lakes together to sitting in uh ice for up to 10 minutes yeah
climbing the most the tallest mountain in uh Czech Republic without clothes on
without clothes on yeah it’s hard yeah but it was definitely a great bonding
experience I learned that if you want to bond suffer we had like 10 I think there
were 10 or 11 of us right total yeah all different walks of life we had like
award-winning American footballer on the Steve Weatherford Super Bowl champion we
had Jesse Hitler yeah then it was crazy group Nick Simmons the
Olympic gold medalist yeah it’s like a crazy group of of kind of superhumans
from all different walks of life yeah super superhuman men that weren’t afraid to be vulnerable yeah
yeah and that was interesting because that to me when I came away and I made a video
about male vulnerability after that trip because it seemed to me that that was almost the
most profound yeah one thousand percent because the The Ice doing all of the extreme challenges which I was terrified
of at the time that allowed us to all be in the same place but then in the in-between times
was when we would sit on the sofa and just talk yeah and I remember even
Wim Hof the Iceman said that he kind of got he he got vulnerable there in a way
that he wasn’t normally vulnerable yeah I remember because I don’t know if you remember this part or if it applied
to make a call you have to we have to leave the cabin and climb up a little Hill to a little bit higher to get good
reception so I remember being up on that Hill making a call and then a car drive
by his whim and this is later in the evening and he gets out and he gives me a hug and he says thank you and I don’t
know what he’s saying thank you for and then I realized he was talking about like this creating an opportunity for
him to be more vulnerable him to have a deeper connection with his son off of that trip as well and um I guess things
were happening while I wasn’t even there uh kind of in the kitchen or during the meals but yeah it was definitely one of
those situations where you first think that you’re in a room full of you know hyper-competitive toxic
Alpha dudes like locker room energy but very quickly you realize these are a lot of self-aware guys this still was
competitive energy this still was as I learned later um from Dr Trish when we went to Utah
she said you guys weren’t supposed to be into ice past two minutes she goes you caveman I don’t know why
you stay in the ice for so long she goes there’s only two minutes it’s only meant to be two minutes so you need to do in a nice bath yeah it’s two minutes and then
we’re in there chanting at 10 minutes yeah she’s like you guys are just being caveman and I thought that was hilarious I’m like it’s still a healthy version of
but it was competitive it was like a part of the bonding right definitely yeah and you know the the
it’s interesting because Wim Hof is used to being on these big programs much bigger than we did he’d have a I I
assume a couple of hundred people or a hundred people on his program and so he’s kind of the guy that comes in
and you know people are very excited to see him and he’s really playing the
leader in that environment and he did for us too in the sense that you know we
all wanted guidance and we all needed his kind of moral support in those
situations but it felt like he even gave himself permission to not have to be the
leader the whole time because you because it was all leaders in it you know every single one of us is a leader in our department in our field but that
was what was quite disarming about it is that you actually got a chance to to shed all of that and just to be a person
in this environment and go back to being a student and going back to being you know you’re around impressive people so
none of us feel like it’s like none of us feel like we’re the [ __ ] in that environment one thousand percent but
everyone’s still a self-starter yeah so I think the basics were there for us to like make things happen but I think yeah
feeding off each other’s energy benefiting from that and then yeah not only getting in the eighth because
someone else got in the eyes but being vulnerable to somebody else got vulnerable and somebody else shared that and I think for me that was
you know getting the invite to that not having a lot of context as to what it would be just agreeing because it was a
unique experience and then being so glad it happened especially considering months later the world shut down and I
think that was that primed me for kind of the unexpected in uh regulating my own resilience and you did the uh
the Hideous thing of actually making use of that time and writing a book
some of us ate cereal at 11 o’clock at night and you were writing a book I’m
I’m so excited about this because it’s speaking of of being vulnerable you I read somewhere that you wrote this book
which is called how to be love are you saying it how to be love or how to be loved so you inspired this title because
I didn’t know that yeah you you inspired the title because you told me to you know meet the audience where they’re at
and I think you know one of the references you made was you can make a video about self-love the title of the
video something a little bit more surface level like why he won’t text back and I really thought about that and
I was thinking about that you know catching myself even what was catching my eye and I realized that you know the
secret is to be love is to view love as a verb and and an action and a service
but what we all want is to feel loved we want to acquire love and realizing that
there’s no difference so putting the D in parentheses is kind of like uh you know that’s a spoiler alert in order to
feel love you have to be love so you you said I read that you wrote this book
on the back of a breakup can you dig into that because I feel like that you
know that’s meeting people where they are right I mean people tend to pick up a book like this and
people often tend to encounter my YouTube videos at a point of pain they’re going through
something they’re maybe they’ve been lonely for a while maybe they just went through a bad breakup maybe they’re
they’re scared that they’re never going to meet someone um can you take us back to that time
when you’ve gone through a breakup and it kind of inspired you writing this book yeah so it actually to be 1 000
honest it was it was the book that inspired the breakup and what it was is I was I was in a relationship for a few
years and we had just got engaged and there were the engagement in itself was
[Music] um kind of a piece of duct tape to try to address the challenges in the
relationship so I was like oh let’s go in deeper because we’re not good where we’re at so maybe that’s the solution
um and knowing on the inside that’s not definitely not the solution um and then I committed to trying to have a
deeper understanding of love and how to be a better partner um because I really I didn’t want to
mess it up and in the initial journey of trying to better understand love I
started to realize that I was in the wrong place um and even if I couldn’t put into words while I was having these feelings that
this wasn’t the space I needed to be in and it wasn’t for a lack of love and I
wasn’t with a person who wasn’t good to me I was in a position where I wasn’t able to receive love I hadn’t addressed
all that has been kind of built up around me kind of you know the same Fortress I built to protect myself you
know was now serving as a prison to keep everybody else out and keep me out as well and as I was realizing that you can
shower me with love and there was no love no love could be received because I wasn’t in the place for that and um that
motivated the breakup but then at that point you know I was still in the middle of researching this book and and doing
some of the early writings that’s when it became clear that I need to really figure this out it couldn’t be for
nothing so you know the Journey of the book um is is I I write it from the frame of
you know this being the breakup because the vast majority of the writing and research happened all after the breakup but it was very clear I didn’t think I’d
be writing a book specifically about self-love uh predominantly um I thought this really would be a
pragmatic day-to-day kind of dating type book and then I realized like no the reason I’m having so many problems isn’t
because simply I’m not a good partner because I’m not in a position to realize love and I started to realize very
quickly that we view love as this kind of external thing that we earn or that we can acquire or we can get or we
deserve or we’re enough for when really love is something that you can only realize and experience and the analogy I
use is you know love being like a breeze and the work isn’t to find the breeze the work is to open your sail and I
realized very quickly I was myself was not open no matter how windy it was my cell was not open and the work I had to
do for that required me to be alone it didn’t you know I couldn’t do it at the same time with all the family
obligations um dealing with somebody who was was was a is a great person but at the same time
on their own Journey um refusing different type of help that they might have need for their own
healing and so I had to walk away from that situation and then at that point you’re not it’s not a you know I’m not
doing it with confidence and I’m not saying okay this was the best decision of my life let’s move forward it was I
need to make this worth it I need to figure out how I got here I need to figure out how I never get here again with people that are out there dating
right now or even people in relationships what do you think are the telltale signs that someone is struggling to receive
love because they some people may not have that awareness they may just say I’m just really struggling to meet
someone or I never feel what I want to feel or you know it manifests in other ways so
in terms of sort of almost diagnosing where people are what do you think are the signs that someone is struggling to
receive love and that’s the reason that that love isn’t happening the way that they intended it to before you carry on
with the video if you haven’t already go over to when you get
there there’s a tool that will ask you what your biggest dating challenge is right now and then it will recommend you
the best one of my solutions from the last 15 years that suits your particular challenge it’s fun to see what it
recommends go check it out and then come back and let’s continue the video an
easy clear one is people’s inability to accept the compliment you know receiving a compliment from
somebody gets you flustered in a way because so often as young children we
signal to ourselves that you have to earn love you have to do something to earn it and well as we get older you
know authentic moments of Love aren’t things that we earn um so I think this inability to accept a
compliment can give somebody a hint even go ahead and compliment yourself you
know you can go ahead you know think about the last time you were naked in the mirror and gave
yourself a compliment you know not looking at your body critically and try complimenting something that you don’t
normally compliment this is going to be a weird feeling that in itself is an inability to receive love just because
it’s almost foreign it’s funny I I just yesterday I was awarded my blue belt in Jiu Jitsu
congratulations thank you man it was a really special moment because I had worked towards it for some you know
years now and it happened to be a particularly busy class yesterday so there were I
don’t and there must have been what were they like 30 or 40 people in the room 40 people in the room
and I was the only person that was awarded a belt that day and
so they called my name at the end of class and I had to go up and they the you know Professor the coach put the
belt on me and then you go around and you shake every single person’s hand in
the room and late they’re all lined up and you go along and you shake every single
person’s hand and look them in the eye and and this happens at the end of every session yeah but on this particular
session every single person whose hand I shook said congratulations
and it’s funny because I initially I noticed I was almost trying to like move
through people really quickly because I was like oh this is a lot of attention on me yeah
I’m used to attention sure but it’s a different kind of a tent you know I’m
used to if I’m on stage and people are saying nice things about me or they’re
saying nice things in a video yeah and I know it feels different somehow I you know I’m
in those environments I’m I’m in the role of the leader yeah but in this environment I’m very much in the role of
the student yeah and there are people way better than me yeah in that class many of them so to walk along and for
everyone to say like individually congratulations man congratulations man congrats yeah I had to in my head I had
to reset a quarter of the way through and tell myself hey like enjoy this you
weren’t like you you didn’t definitely earned that you spent years doing this and you’re now like trying to almost
rush through these congratulations because there’s some part of you that’s like feeling a little uncomfortable in just accepting
this praise and accepting that people are celebrating you right now it’s your
birthday today you know what I mean like it’s yeah and and I reset I thought I had a little bit of self-talk where I
literally told myself in real time like hey enjoy this like actually a pre you know everyone saying congratulations try
and really receive it so you know even after all the work that I’ve done on
myself over the years I still had that moment where in that particular context I had to talk myself
I had to give myself a talk about just accepting the praise completely and I
think especially with that because it’s that’s so you know almost
it was a process you didn’t win a sweepstakes you know you didn’t get lucky you know you there’s it’s a
step-by-step guide to getting the belt yeah and you know and you had to you couldn’t skip any Shades in that
gradient and you slowly made your way there and um you know it’s deaf you know you worked
your butt off to get it so that should be one of the easier ones and it is really interesting because it is starting to recognize what type of
attention we we can absorb and what type of attention we can you know as you said you might be able to talking for the 10
000 people but maybe eight of your closest friends sitting watching the dinner table do a speech it might be
completely different yeah and I think these are the opportunities for us to become aware in that context
um and I think you know accepting a compliment I think is one of the easier ones to look at or even realizing how critical we are of ourselves but also
just our definition of love I think oftentimes attention affection power control uh validation adoration all of
these things kind of I I identify them as kind of fast food versions of Love interesting that don’t have that
nutritional value that actual love creates so can you repeat those the ones that you feel like are fast food
versions yeah I mean I mean you know as I said validation power control success
adoration attention uh admiration uh worship you know all of these kind of
things that really feed the ego I was gonna say that it seems to me the common denominator in all of those is is
they’re based in ego yeah and an ego is the border that separates us from each other you know ego is that membrane that
makes every drop think it’s separate from the other drops in the ocean so how do you because in a way our
inability to receive love is you can reduce it back to Ego right because ego
ego can go in two directions ego can be I’m so great yeah and therefore someone
should love me ego can also be I’m worthless and No One’s Gonna Love Me
right it’s still a form of ego is I’m I’m making it about it’s almost like I’m
especially unlovable yeah is also a an act of ego I’m especially lovable and
I’m especially unlovable I find they’re both rooted in that same place and you
can flip between them very easily because the person who Associates with being super hot
is also terrified of the rejection of someone who doesn’t think they’re that hot yeah
so it can flip quickly I kind of Define you go a lot more as the identifier you know the the way you identify yourself
separate from others because when you have these moments of authentic love
with someone um that’s when it ceases to be a you and them it’s kind of like you you melt into
each other there’s not a you and me there’s a we you know whether it’s you and a child or you in a romantic partner
um and also going back to people’s definition of love like foreign I forgot
who said it but love is so vast they can love those things deemed unlovable you know so you know going back to the ego
the ego is where we derive you know separateness and value because you know we we think that we
have to have value for love I’m unlovable I’m not When Love is is bigger than that and there is no value to a
person a person can’t be enough of a person a person can’t be worthy of love
love is the measured in worthiness love isn’t measured in enough people aren’t a measured in worthiness or enoughness so
what do you say to people who love the concept of that you know they find that
extraordinarily beautiful but the way that things practically play out in their
life is that it feels like their worst fears are always being confirmed
in the rejections they get in you know I I I want to feel like I’m not
you know I’m bringing down the barrier between me and this person that I’m attracted to but I very much my
experiences are one of rejection this person doesn’t want me this person doesn’t you know call me or didn’t you
know rejected me when I asked for their number or didn’t call me after the day or we
slept together and they no longer wanted me you know we meet in an everyday world of dating a lot of
rejection and in some cases we even hear the rejection as being tied to something
that we feared made us not enough yeah and we go oh my God it is because I’m not pretty enough it is because I’m not
good luck enough it is because you know in the case of guys there are guys that every time they hear that height
actually does matter to a lot of women they feel their worst fear confirmed that I’m not enough because I’m not tall
enough so how do you marry well I suppose if
if there is a intrinsic reality to what you’re saying yeah
how does someone actually embody that in a world that can feel so full of
constant rejection on the very things that I am actually worried make me not enough in the first place yeah so I’m
not here to to Discount the feelings the crappy feelings of rejection in the capacity but you’re not being rejected
by love you know you’re being rejected you know for a second date or for a first date or for some some other
validating Factor you’re being rejected for something that’s delicious not really nutritious and I would challenge
people to go back and look at their current relationships in their life where they authentically feel love right
and that may not be a romantic relationship right now it may be them and a nephew them in a parent them and a
sibling um even them in an activity and what they say and and I want to challenge them to ask is there anything that
person you know that person perfect is that person enough you know you even look at
them in terms of their enoughness or their perfectness um do they have to qualify for your love
and the answer is no because the truth is everybody we love we know all their imperfections and the deeper we know
them the more in detail we could list out these imperfections none of that disqualifies them from love do you have
uh have you come across people and what do you say to them if they say I do have
that kind of love and it’s beautiful and it’s one of the things I treasure the most in my life
I still feel a yearning for romantic love and in the field of romantic love in
that domain I feel like no one is giving me the kind
of love that you’re talking about where they do accept my imperfections and and
I’m really struggling because it seems as though no one’s ready to love me like that yeah
again I would challenge them to look at the current apparatus you know and I’m not lost on that idea you know I’m a
heterosexual male and I have you know what I find attractive what I don’t find attractive and I have a list of
qualities that may or may not actually be what I require in a partner but it’s
what I think I require and you know and that could cause me to have misconnections and I think that can
cause me to also connect with the wrong people um I’ve also had given exceptions to
people who don’t fit my list or certain things that I’m looking for but because they had a symmetrical face to let it
pass and then two weeks later I’m suffering those consequences so I think it’s enough to take ownership over this
idea that hey we barely understand ourselves let alone can’t understand other people I think that’s the first
thing to recognize I think the second thing too is going back to our ability to receive love you know our
relationship with other people is going to be heavily based on a relationship with ourselves you know and this thing
of reject question yesterday I was hanging out with a friend who was a real estate agent and he’s like you know and
I was telling him I go I went through this process of writing this book shedding as many layers of protection as
I can to be as vulnerable as possible now I feel like that vulnerability is kicking me in the butt and biting me in
the butt then now that I’m out in the sales department I’m reaching out to people trying to get on podcasts trying
to get people to to give the book a chance and every rejection I get feels like it stings extra hard this isn’t
even my first book but it’s just been so long since I’ve been in that and he reminded me goes look you know rejection
is your is your friend in this because it’s their story not yours that’s the first thing we have to always remember when someone says no to you it’s their
story it’s not yours you know they can have all these qualities that they’re looking for and if you don’t fit those
qualities that doesn’t mean they know what they need either I think that’s important and then also it’s that’s you
know that has always been the situation you know we the humans that we are we we
derive our understanding through our acceptance from other people and that made so much sense when we lived in
smaller communities in these Villages of 100 people and we needed them to like us we needed them to accept us because our
direct survival depended on it and again my parents grew up in a village like that so I’m one generation removed from
that mindset then we come to these cities full of millions of people and that mindset doesn’t apply anymore
because it is impossible to get everyone to like you also you don’t like
everybody and I think very often we don’t look at the type of rejections that we would provide people and how non-personal it
actually is and somebody’s saying for example height matters you know and I watch the funny
YouTube video recently where you know the girl was probably 5-1 the
guy was probably five seven and you know she said you’re too short and he goes
how tall do I need to be and he goes I need you to be 6’3 he goes why she goes
because then I’ll feel safe he’ll say from what she goes what if five guys come and attack me he goes you think
somebody who seeks to me will be more successful than somebody five seven fighting Five Guys and she’s like well
maybe he’ll know karate and so now she’s already you know is already he’s already unpeeling the lack of logic in her
situation as well and he’s like well maybe the Five Guys will know karate because you’re not making sense of what
you’re asking for and I think very often um when we seek these external things we haven’t taken the time to figure out is
this what I want or is this what I told I want yeah you know I want I need to
have an attractive partner or I need to have somebody who makes a lot of money but what we don’t ask the question is
what why why is that actually important and going through the Journey of self-awareness it’s like okay let’s say
well how did that make you feel because at the end of the day what we really need is to be around someone who makes us feel good about ourselves
and you know we have this you know you mix that with the fact that many of us as children uh were given the signal an
incorrect signal that you have to earn love because we weren’t able to realize that sometimes the adults who we who we
looked up to were having bad days unrelated to us and we internalized that so now we find ourselves attracted to
people that we have to win over into that famous quote we adore those who ignore us and ignore those who adore us
and many of us are guilty of that because we have this broken idea that we have to earn love and again we we live
in a consumeristic society which needs us to feel like we’re not enough as is so we can buy their stuff I I love that
point about people don’t necessarily know what they need yeah and
it that that idea alone can save us from a lot of the
worst of the worst kind of conclusions of a rejection because we can realize
then that we’re not necessarily hearing from a trusted Source we’re not hearing
from someone who’s got it even all figured out for themselves and then the decisions that this person is making
right now may actually make them unhappy for a long long time because they
continue to go after the wrong things so to me that almost leads into
to two thoughts I guess one is that we’re always in a sense educating people
on what’s important by what we display as important we can come
across someone who might be a little shallow when we meet them but if we are really connected to our
worth in the non-shallow sense and we’re really believable
then we in a way we become the best marketer of depth and someone around us
can start to to realize oh wow this is this person really believes in their value in other ways and that then
becomes very compelling yeah and so we have a
we have this the irony of self-acceptance and self-love is that
when we really feel connected to the value of our deeper qualities and who we are
as a human being and just our value as a human being we then become much more convincing for
certain people who can be perhaps educated on
these things that that are more important than the things they think are important
now I suppose the Paradox is that do we want to attract someone we have to
convince or do we want to meet someone who’s also at a level of awareness in their life that they already have a real
sense of what’s important outside of uh the what I could kind of overly
simplistically say are the wrong things to base all these decisions on if someone’s saying well what I really
want is to meet someone who is already in a place of maturity no that they’ve
started to Value the right stuff and therefore are going to Value those things in me and don’t need to be
convinced do you think that there are ways because I actually saw someone
write this the other day they were like Matt how do you attract a self-aware person
and I’m curious as to whether you think that people who are out there trying to
attract someone who’s already at that level are there things you can look out for
or do you think that life is always going to be a little bit of both yes you’re trying to attract yourself aware person but you know you also have to be
responsible for marketing your value and the depth of you and that being an
important thing yeah well I mean I think the simple answer is to attract a self over a person is to become a self-over
person right and I think that you know becoming becoming what you want to
attract I think is super important and also for anyone to describe such a impressive
individual that impressed for that impressive individual to get there self-awareness is only developed through
going through boatloads of crap you know what I mean it’s that self-aware
individual will have to have dealt with endless rejection endless pain
um and process that and dealt with that and I know and and in a way that the
wrong thing’s not working like a person has to have dealt with having gone down the path of what they think they want
enough times and it didn’t work yeah that they’re ready to try something new yeah like I’ve you know I’ve I’ve
recently went on a date with a woman who broke up with a billionaire because she spent her time thinking somebody with
amazing wealth is something I need and then she had to get in it to realize that oh there’s a downside to this as
well me and Audrey were watching the crown yeah this week yeah and there’s this uh great moment where Diana
Princess Diana is she’s she’s basically on a date with this doctor that she’s
met in a hospital and she’s it’s really funny because he he leaves
the the date when she starts to become physical with him
because and she’s like why are you leaving you know and all of us are watching going why are you leaving
and he says I don’t know what you see in me like I I’m a slightly overweight
doctor with no time and there’s nothing he essentially is saying there’s nothing special about me
like why why are you even on a date with me
and the thing that the thing that made me an Audrey laugh is that she said she
said but At first she starts by saying like I’m not who you think I am I’m not you
know I haven’t got people that I’m close to I feel stranded and lonely and out in
the cold and you know I’m just a normal person like I’m not what you think I am
yeah and then she says I I tried I married a
prince and it didn’t work out I’m now I’m ready I think the line she
said is I’m like I’m ready to try a frog
I was thinking that in my head and it cracked me out we were laughing at it because we were like
she perhaps could have said it yeah I mean I’m sure Diana didn’t actually say in real life I uh I’m ready for a frog
because no one wants to be the Frog but I think there’s a lot of good points but you know it practic it cracked us up
because it was like I’ve tried no I’ve tried a prince I’ve tried Prince Charming I’m ready for you the Frog but
that’s it was an example of exactly what you’re saying that this is you know
sometimes when you explode that idea of what you think you want and you realize
oh happiness does not reside there then it opens you up to trying something new and I’m sure
a lot of people listening to this will have perhaps in their lives reached a point where
they’ve tried the the same thing so many times and it’s not worked that they have to now start to suspect what it is
they’re actually looking for because they end up becoming a common denominator in all these field of relationships yeah you know and then it
has to be if you do the same things you’re gonna get the same outcome and I know for me through therapy what I ended
up doing was reliving my entire love life and the therapist making points of when
my face lit up during telling these stories and being making it light up you
know the first time someone said the world needs to hear your voice
um and that same person calling me years later after we weren’t even together being like what are you I’m watching what you’re putting on YouTube you’re
putting some weird goofy comedies like your work’s important what do you why are you trying to be an Entertainer for
like get back on track you know somebody you know recognizing my value as a person by that felt scene felt validated I
think what what I realized with that was you know all of us have these moments where our confidence is isn’t there and
we want someone to to help us and I think so often especially with the work I do and the work you do people look to
you to kind of instill some confidence in them but you have your low days as well and that was somebody like without
hesitation being like no like who you are in this path you’re taking matters
even if you don’t think that today and and they did it with a level of assertiveness and aggression that I
needed to hear so you know having someone that does that versus somebody planting fear in my head if I have a big
goal and they’re like oh but what if that doesn’t happen let’s let’s take a different route um so recognizing how important that is
for me um you know having memories of people pushing me to the edges of life you know
in terms of experiences understanding that I’m not looking for a happily ever after I’m looking to continue an
adventure continually find new unfamiliar situations territories and experiences and keep doing that so that
may not be somebody who’s looking for a house in the suburbs in kind of an
autopilot life after a certain amount of you know things I’m an artist I’m here
to peel away layers and get deeper and more tormented in some capacities so you lit up when that person said that
because there was this this sense that they saw you that they saw how wonderful you
are and how that there’s something in you that is important for it to be out
there and that’s a beautiful feeling when someone sees us in that way and we want to be around that energy and so in
seeing that you you lit up talking about that because it was like a connection to something that was much more important
than the superficial uh in somebody else and it gave you a sense of what you’re
actually looking for the kind of teammate yeah that you’re actually looking for now I don’t know and you
don’t need to to say why that’s not someone that as a result of
that lighting up you’re now with but oh she she was she was just ahead she she she wanted her adventures were
ahead of mine and she left the country she left the continent and started her adventures and was like we can’t we
can’t keep this up got it so yeah that’s all it was she was way too ahead because I’m I guess
there are people that will say I know what’s really important but what I am attracted to is a problem
because I I have this sense of what’s important but I keep getting attracted to these things that aren’t good and
they shouldn’t be that important but they seem to be because it’s what I keep getting attracted to I’m attracted to
these hot cool people who are indifferent to me yeah and you know it’s
not necessary they may not say they’re attracted to the indifference but I’m attracted to the fact that they’re hot
and they’re cool and that there is something sexy yeah about them yeah and
it seems to always lead me to people who either don’t want me or who don’t treat
me very well meanwhile the people that seem to have these gorgeous qualities you’re describing at a deep level
I think are amazing qualities but I just I don’t feel compelled to be with them what do you
say to that and does the book kind of allude to any of oh yeah completely we we you know we all and even outside of
romantic relations we all choose what’s familiar over what’s healthy and oftentimes this cool aloof individual
what it really is is a feeling that you have to earn something and oftentimes you know
um that matches the flavor of what we had growing up and we may have been in a household where there was a parent in
whatever the primary parent was where we felt that we had to constantly earn their love and now we’re finding
ourselves doing the same thing where we’re you know we find someone that matches that flavor I agree with that
yeah I absolutely agree with that if I were trying to challenge it in the most
brutal way yeah I would say and let me play the role of this person
yeah humble that’s true but heart is hot someone who’s just physically they look
a certain way I find that really sexy yeah and you know life is just life has
this group of people that are super sexy that I’m always drawn to and they can have lots and lots of people because
they’re super sexy yeah and it’s okay maybe there’s something going on with my
past in parenting and that’s making me attracted to indifference because it’s what I experienced as a child and I feel like but even if this person wasn’t in
you know even if I remove the indifference and control for that I’m still just attracted to these super hot
people that can have so many people that they’re never really attracted to me or they
don’t give me the time of day and you know we live in a world where just
if you’re good looking life is a hundred times easier and you have lots of options and I find myself drawn to those
people but those people treat me as disposable because I kind of am to them what do you say to that
person again it’s a look at your track record you want to keep doing it you
would have you know you’d been happily ever after a long time ago if one of these ended up working out two it’s the
next level on top of choosing qualities is asking how that quality make you feel so what is it about somebody who does
not show interest in you what is what is that feeling what if what if I what but
what for the person who says no no I’m not attracted to them not showing interest I’m attracted to how good-looking they are well there’s
nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody who’s good looking and again right but what if good look people with symmetrical faces aren’t monolithic not
every single person who is an extremely you know good looking individual uh
treats people with indifference you know right and I think that in itself you know we’re creating this archetype that
that isn’t real trying to get to what is this a hard truth that a lot of us have
to accept that just there are people who aim too high in terms of looks and it
always makes them unhappy because they’re just always drawn to people that have this wealth of options and
therefore a kind of we are more likely to be disposable to
those people do you think that’s happening to a decent number of people like dating apps just show that people a
lot of people are going just for the best looking person in the room and that they’re consistently kind of there’s one
percent that’s getting 99 of the messages yeah do you think it’s incumbent on
people to continue going for those kinds of people until they find one that turns
around to meet them or do you think people themselves need to almost
start with what they’re hoping someone else will do which is to say I’m gonna
stop needing people to look a certain way for me to choose them
because what in a way what I’m expecting is the exact same thing I’m choosing based on looks and then I’m frustrated
that someone isn’t choosing me based on that same quality do you think
people need to almost start from a basis of saying I’m not going to Value this as highly as I used to well well this
shouldn’t that’s not you know if you depends on your goals if your goal is to you know enjoy somebody like a snack
then fine get the most attractive snack you can have if you’re trying to find something long-term how does somebody’s looks play into a long-term situation in
any capacity um and I think that’s something that that is worth asking and also use these
apps as an example even for yourself even when you’re not getting a lot of
matches look at this idea of you know the analysis paralysis that comes from having too many options too many options
in itself is a curse for anybody and you know any of these guys or girls who are
getting this this inundated with attention they’re existing in a world of fragmented relationships as well and
they’re not building deep connection and they’re not getting fulfillment out of this either you know and they could do
it for how long and they become addicted to the validation that comes from the new conqueror the new what have you and
at the end of the day I mean and and I’m sure you you know as well we
we all know especially Us in in this world we all know of the one girl who
said no to that guy that everybody thought can get any girl he wants you know it’s that’s that that is a
reality there’s just there’s endless levels to this I’ve been in a room full of guys who are making a hundred
thousand dollars a month complaining about how they’re losing girls to NBA players and I’m sure those NBA players
are complaining about how they’re losing those girls to Leonardo DiCaprio or something you know what I mean like this this and these these these these
pyramids are endless all complaining that they’re only ever getting attention from a certain kind of person certain
kind of person and and and recently too you know one of the first friends that made I’ve only lived out here in La for a year one of the first friends I made
out here is is a female from West Philadelphia and she is you know
genetically gorgeous you know she wanted genetic Lottery and she’s completely gorgeous and she moved out here and was
was creating art and then very quickly got into you know didn’t have a lot of education but got into the service industry in Beverly Hills and now making
a gang of money and has a lot of celebrities reaching out and asking her and she says you know this frustrating being attractive you know know she goes
it’s always you you’re always second guessing yourself as to why someone is talking to you or what have you the same
way maybe even a guy with a lot of money and people know he has a lot of money can make himself more attractive and now he has to second guess why people are
talking to him um as I said I think it’s we’re thinking short term when we’re talking about
attractiveness I’m not here to Discount that you don’t have to not be attracted to somebody uh before you date them but
I would also say hey give somebody you know one of the pieces of advice that I was given was okay you can have your
ranking give somebody who you consider a seven or a six give them give them three dates see what happens because I think
very often too these Sparks that we’re chasing this initial attraction that Fades no matter what and there’s stories
of you know some of the most beautiful human beings you know still having to deal with infidelity from their Partners
so you know attractiveness is not a sustainable model to to do something it could be initial attraction but at the
end of the day it’s going to take you a few times to get to know a person to see if they even connect with you on the stuff that actually matters and all that
work is done internally you figuring out what actually matters to you and even I’ve learned that too I’ve known like
the girls that find me attractive you know what I learned is you know as a guy with a big beard or you know
what have you it’s like they depending on how they grew up this is what a man looks like and very very few girls I
know that would find me attractive and also find a guy like Justin Bieber attractive they’d be like oh he looks like a boy you know I like my men
looking like men and then I’m sure girls that think he’s super hot may not find me attractive so you start to understand
this idea of even attractiveness is not this Universal term yeah there is you know science behind having a symmetrical
face and certain features and what have you but at the end of the day you know I think there is an opportunity for each
of us you know our presentation will always matter and how we carry ourselves and conduct
ourselves and we can all make ourselves more attractive in that capacity and stack other qualities to ourselves to
make ourselves more attractive and viable in that capacity but if you’re like okay I only like dudes with this
body fat percentage and this type of face and this type of hair and he has to look like boom boom boom boom boom cool
but then you know you don’t you don’t know who he is and what he’s looking for and what he finds attractive and what
what he wants out of this and if everything’s just based off your social media algorithm then you can have a very
skewed understanding of life and you’re disqualifying so many people right because the idea that you’re going to
get everything you want in every other way alongside all of those boxes being
ticked is you know it kind of it’s like playing top trumps you’re just you’re constantly
trying to optimize and also it goes back to the same question what about these qualities why do you want these
qualities there’s a feeling attached to these qualities you know going as I said going back to that idea of wanting a tall man what is it about a tall man
that you want you know and is it safety now let’s define safety for you what
actually is safety is it physical safety are we actually living in parts of the world where on a regular basis we feel
physically unsafe is it Financial safety now what’s the definition of financial safety is it somebody whose parents gave
them money and you’ll feel safe knowing that their family gave them money or is it that guy you know that will constantly get himself out of a jam
because he has impeccable work ethic he’s he’s super uh ingenious when it comes to coming up with new ideas and
you know no matter what the bills will be paid and he’ll have your back and you never asked for a handout you know these are the type of things that you can do I
have a friend right now where her whole definition is I will only date guys where a self-made I will not date
anybody who received anything from anybody and and again like that’s a genetic Lottery situation in itself too
because you’re gonna hold it against somebody you know who’s one generation removed from success but she’s like I
need to know that they can do it but at least she’s a little bit more clear on it I don’t know if it’s the most accurate thing that she should be doing
she’s chasing a feeling of wanting to be around someone who’s efficient with what they can do it’s also chasing this
wildly overly simplistic view of of life right you you the idea that someone is
less than because they haven’t done it all on
their own is absurd no firstly no one’s done it
all on their own nobody everyone’s had help of some kind yes whether it’s a
great mentor or someone put the right ideas in their head at an early age or someone or by the way they just were
born with the genetics that made them weirdly driven yeah and it’s nothing to do with their social conditioning
they’ve just got something about the way their brain is built that makes them get after it in a different way like they
did nothing to earn that it looks like earning it on the surface but they did nothing to earn that and similarly you
get rich kids who who don’t take the ball and run with it and you
get rich kids who do or you get rich kids who decide hey since money isn’t a
thing that I have to do to survive I don’t have to earn money to survive they go out and do something incredibly
creative and and they exceeded they excelled in a different way or they oh
God forbid they found peace without having to Excel and having the insecurity of their parents thinking
they need to do something in order to be worthy so it’s like a very that’s a good example of someone who has created this
definition of worth and value that really reduces humans to this very
simple thing and by the way how many people do we know that you know they’re self-made quote but the
what it comes with is the disease they can’t stop and they they’ve been trying
to prove something their whole lives and they’re still trying to prove something and that doesn’t go away because they’ve not found peace yeah within themselves
and it also creates the avoidant attachment style because now they’re afraid of losing their autonomy because
they think they’re self-made and the last thing they want to do is depend on anybody for anything including emotions
yeah but you know and on top of that entire list just being born in a part of the world where you could do something like that where you were part of a
economic situation that allowed that yeah because there’s people being born in war-torn parts of the world well they
won’t have the opportunities to do any of this so they can’t be self-made and they’re working significantly harder
yeah than any of us entrepreneurs are yeah but again it’s this thing and again we you know and I think for me you know
it’s it goes back to the self-awareness so even when I think about you know and I I have I have a story uh in the book
about the first time I dated a girl who everybody else made it clear that he was
significantly out of my league in terms of attractiveness and um you know the and then once she left
and the relationship ended um what that did to my self-worth and and the chapters called what’s in your
wallet and it’s this idea that I identified myself through having this beautiful partner and even then even
during having to such a beautiful partner not knowing how to deal with it when people complimented your girlfriend for being beautiful like your
girlfriend’s beautiful am I supposed to say thank you like you didn’t compliment me I didn’t do anything in this Cafe
like what am I supposed you know myself I know yeah I don’t I don’t know and it’s it’s one of those situations where
it was you know realizing that so and people actually saying like yo good job like you know you’re making us guys look
good like getting a girl like that and you it’s all compliments that are creating the damage not insults and then
she’s gone and all of a sudden I don’t know who I am and then deciding I needed to reshuffle my my wallet and put stuff
in there about value that people can’t take away it’s such an interesting story because it happens to people in all
different capacities if you’re ever you know we me and Audrey were event an event recently
and um someone recognized me at that event and they came over and then I said
this is my fiance Audrey and and she was as excited to meet Audrey as she was to
meet me but she she said the first words out of her mouth were you must have done everything right to get him
and it was to her credit to her credit this person came up to Audrey
after the event and it was a it was an event on um
female empowerment yeah and a lot of really beautiful things were said that night about where value comes from yeah
and she came up to Audrey again at the end of the evening and she said I just
want to say um that was not that was wrong of me to say
that because it has nothing to do you know that assumes that he’s somehow
the person of value in the equation and that you had to do everything right to get him and I just I caught myself
thinking about it and now I want to tell you I didn’t you know yeah that wasn’t
something that and it was like an initial knee-jerk reaction yeah and and that happens in all sorts of different
ways and different relationships you don’t have to be someone who’s recognizable to be in a dynamic like
that you’re her version of Fame in that scenario with you was that she was
really pretty yeah and so then your male friends said well you know you’re lucky
you’re like and and if people say you’re lucky enough if people start saying you’re the fort
you’re the lucky one then it’s really hard sometimes to yeah it’s like a form of brainwashing
yeah where some people keep saying to you just so you know you’re the lucky one just so you know you’re the lucky one you’re and then you start thinking
well so I guess I am the lucky one and if I’m the lucky one I I should be terrified of losing this because yes this is I won
the lottery here I won the lottery not we together
got really fortunate that we both met someone awesome in life and isn’t that amazing it’s and I say that to Audrey
all the time I’m like we how lucky are we how lucky are we that we met no you know not we we may not have gone that we
met an engagement party I’m like maybe one of us didn’t go that night and we never met and we we both would have
missed out on this incredible human being like we’re so lucky yeah that’s a different message
but when you are taught by other people even if it’s just your peers that’s the worst part it’s your friends in that
situation who are saying that stuff when you’re continuously told you’re the lucky one you start to believe it and
then you start to be terrified of of losing this person because now you feel like you’re losing the best part about
you yeah is this person yeah that’s exactly and I can’t afford to lose them and if I can’t afford to lose them then
I’ll do anything to keep them it was me which generally means Losing Myself yes you know if I don’t want to be at war
with them then I probably have to be at war with myself and I think that that is was kind of the Awakening because it’s
like despite my efforts as I thought it’s the same one that left you know and and that was her journey it was not you
know she left unless we tried to do long distance and it didn’t work so it wasn’t a rejection of me and I think throughout
the entire even during the breakup I never felt there was a rejection of me but I did notice how much effort I was
putting in to keep the relationship alive and the interesting thing about that specific relationship was there was
no chasing between either of us you know the big thing that stood out with her she made everything easy she made making
a date easy she made hanging out easy you know there was a there was an actual Synergy between me and her based off our
qualities of people and um you know the beauty of that is she’s also in the last chapter of the book she she’s since
gotten married and has two kids and we had met up for dinner during the pandemic in the last chapter of this
book is called you don’t know love and it’s her telling me saying how how could you write a book
about love you don’t have kids you know and and it’s a beautiful kind of back and forth showing our Dynamic
you know because we still have a really deep friendship and you know my editor not wanting that story in the book
because my editor felt attacked saying I’m sick and tired of parents telling me that I don’t know love because I don’t have kids and I said listen I don’t
think she was trying to put me down I think what she was saying is like you’re the guy who puts the words together like
have some kids and explain this to me because I’m just flooded with anxiety and love with these kids and you know
and she refers to having kids as a selfish decision she’s like if you’re selfish enough have kids and it’s just
this beautiful idea of you know while telling people I wrote a book about love them kind of looking at me like how what
makes you qualified to write about you know you’re not a Love Guru and that’s a very pervasive message in one way or
another in the world we live in that makes us more insecure is this idea that you don’t know [ __ ] because you’re not in a relationship you don’t know [ __ ]
because you don’t have kids you you don’t know [ __ ] because you’re not married and it it again it reduces
everything to a series of checkpoints before which you have no right to talk and it it is a very very you have to be
really strong not to adopt that message I mean look I heard Jordan Peterson say
he doesn’t think anyone can truly grow up until they have kids and it’s a bold
statement to make like the rest of the world who hasn’t had kids it’s impossible that they could have
grown up and his argument was that you no one can ever truly be uh no one can ever truly
cease in being selfish unless they have kids because having kids is the first
real time in your life where you’re acting selflessly in service of somebody else which is funny because it’s in Conflict
it’s in contrast to what your friend said but it’s just my problem with that is not that he doesn’t have a point
about how unselfish it can be to love
someone else and put them first and the ultimate Act of doing that I’m sure for so many people comes when you have kids
and it’s not all about you anymore but but we also know so many situations where people have had
to be unbelievably selfless in their lives in service of other people who have never had kids yeah and you know
and and what about the people who can’t have kids what they’ve got no shot at being selfless and not in you know and
growing up it’s um is these kind of reductions that make people feel less than yeah for not having achieved a
certain checkpoint in their life yeah I think as a modern tribalism and it’s also and again like you know I think
especially with Jordan Peterson because all of his work revolves around Chaos and Order um I think you know for most people who
aren’t doing the work to figure out a purpose you know the moment you have a child you have purpose and now get to it
and I think it’s kind of this default way where you know you have a child this entire project this entire movement that
you’ve created it’s your baby and this requires so much sacrifice for for you you know and I think that’s the
interesting thing where I do think humans have to exist with purpose and and Direction and what you know and um
a life bigger than themselves and I see that and I see the value of that but that
and children might be the simplest way that that can get accomplished yeah um but yeah one thousand percent you know
and as I said you know with my ex saying it to me she was she was speaking about her frustrations and anxieties around
where the world is headed the environment and all of that watching the documentary gives anxiety she can’t sleep at night and then her making peace
with the idea like maybe my kids are only going to live to 25 and cool that’s fine maybe that’s what it is
because this planet won’t be habitable but I think from that capacity um yeah it gets really interesting
because we find validation in our little tribes you said something interesting earlier when we were first talking about
when we were talking offline about the ways that people compete in love and one
of the reasons we feel we need to compete is because you know someone else has got something
I don’t someone else is attractive in a way that I’m not and and you know
there’s a there’s then a lot of people have the experience of almost I had a
woman not so long ago say to me I’m dating a guy who I really like but he’s also seeing somebody else how do I win
the exclusivity race yeah how do I beat this other woman to it in the race for
exclusivity with this guy yeah um speak just to that idea and and the
dangers of it that you said to me earlier yeah I think specifically for women um
there there isn’t a way to compete where you win you know for her for for this
one this example you had she’s gonna have to reduce her boundaries you know that’s that’s going to be the way that she’s going to become more alluring to
this guy and she’s going to lose herself in the process and and that in itself is a dangerous game to play because you
know the value um historically uh with women is is they’re the selectors they’re the
choosers they’re not the ones to be chosen and that comes through their ability to say no that comes through their through their boundaries and
healthy relationships healthy relationships exist within boundaries and boundaries have to be communicated so for her to to Forfeit some of those
to make her more appealing uh versus The Other Woman um that’s not going to lead to a healthy
relationship in any capacity so she’s she’ll get she may may get a prize but
it’s a poison chalice it’s not going to be what she wants it’s not she’s going to lose herself by getting him yep and
then be in a relationship where the boundaries are all wrong the boundaries are all wrong you’re just gonna have to reset all of those and by the way when
she does reset all of those she might lose him anyway because he signed up for the relationship based on
her having no boundaries not on her having boundaries one thousand percent or if you mean I’ve reset them and now
live in a world of dis-ease where she’s going to constantly be medicating there’s lack of peace in her life and
you know there’s a wonderful example of that in the second season of White Lotus for whoever’s watching that you know a
character who is had to make peace with being in a situation where the boundaries aren’t
honored um but the stakes are too high now and now she’s constantly trying to medicate
that lack of peace through different activities and substances and behaviors and I think that’s something that we
have to really pay attention to because you know that will impact how we feel about ourselves and then our quality of
living will dramatically go down even if things look good on the outside I love that you I’m gonna keep throwing a
couple of ideas at you because there’s some things you said that I think are just potent ideas and I want to make sure we kind of check them off yeah you
said the that self-love I think you’ll tell me the exact phrase
but the idea of self-love has to come with teeth yeah having teeth yeah can you explain that in the con especially
in the context of what we’re talking about right now loving yourself is showing your teeth um and I think very often we
I think a lot of the problems that we have is we choose being likable over love
we don’t want to disappoint people we don’t want to say no um we if somebody
tries to have something at our expense we don’t stand up for ourselves and we
think being likable is more important than standing up for ourselves not realizing that not standing up for
ourselves will put us in a place of resentment which is a very dark place which you know it’s very difficult for
love to exist in that space so standing up for yourself establishing boundaries saying no letting people know that
you’re not someone that can be walked on the same way the exact same way and it
is it’s funny I was in a very short situation with somebody who got very
aggressive very quickly and a friend who was in a much worse relationship was
telling me and I was already standing up I had cut the relationship off but I used that as an analogy I was like would
you want me to go back to that person because you’re staying in your situation like well if that person ever comes back I’m gonna punch them in their face and
it was so it seems so much easier to stand up for somebody you care about I’ll stand up for my best friend I’ll stand up for my sister I’ll stand up for
somebody else if somebody mistreats them but I’ll deal with it if somebody mistreats me and self-love is having
that relationship with yourself how do people do that know your boundaries first off build
that self-awareness of what your boundaries are what you’re okay with what you’re not okay with and articulate them and communicate them but what if
you’re you know you know what you you know what you want your boundaries to be yeah but the thing that is supporting
those boundaries ultimately is that I think that I am a person who’s worthy of
having those kinds of boundaries how do you suggest people because like you said
if it’s my best friend I stick up for them because I love them and I don’t want them to come to harm yeah so it’s
natural to stick up for them and go into tiger mode when it’s my friend when it’s myself I have theoretical boundaries
that go out the window the moment I like someone the moment I really want to hold on to them yeah and and and those
boundaries are nowhere to be seen when I start being pushed or mistreated yeah how does someone build that same
relationship with themselves elves that underpins those boundaries so that they
actually have weight instead of being paper thin one thousand I think that’s a fantastic question I think the first thing we get to divorce is worthiness
concept that the worthiness isn’t there like your best friend doesn’t have to constantly earn their worthiness for
your love your the you know the the child in your life doesn’t have to children do nothing to earn your love
they’ve you know your first interaction with them you’re already in love with them there’s no worthiness that’s required there and then also go back to
how did you develop this relationship with your friend you know you guys hung out you guys you know the Cornerstone to
creating connection is vulnerability you know me you and I are friends I think if
you and I met and we were we met on a five-day trip to Hawaii we would be high by friends we would just we would just
be casual friends we suffered together we were vulnerable together we both sat
there you know an hour ago before going into the ice sharing openly our fears
about losing our fingers and our our extremities and all I remember specifically you asking when saying you
know like but what if I get frostbite and when I’m saying your body will know what to do when I remember looking at
your face you’d be like that’s that’s not an answer that’s not an answer old man like what was that and me being like
I agree that wasn’t an answer but we that’s how we bonded through being vulnerable with each other yeah we need
to be vulnerable with ourselves you know when we’re vulnerable with ourselves we’ll build a deeper connection with who we are I learned
like you know that through that journey of having the attractive girl why was that such a big deal because I also grew up you know in in in a part of the world
where I’m not I don’t look like the majority and I was always made to feel different and in many cases I was made
to feel ugly whether it was overtly through racism or never seeing myself on television and being like you’re you
don’t belong here and then the moment somebody who everybody feels belongs here accepts me you know and and even
for her it was an educational moment when we travel together you know she had she had she was
she was full bottle of shampoo in her check luggage pretty
okay you know and I was in the in in the luggage what that she’d take on the
plane yeah and you know hilarious yes yeah like that’s what I’m such a [ __ ] way of saying it what is the speeding
ticket pretty you know what I mean and you know I thought the cop just wanted to have a conversation type situation and I was
randomly screened 100 of the time you know and it’s and it’s and again like
that made me realize that you you are you are not chasing attractive women because you’re attracted to attractive
women you were tracing attractive women because they feel like a prop for you to make up for a childhood where half the
people that said mean things to you were just kids being jerks and and they don’t decide your value but their voices have
stayed in your head and and that’s the important thing from understanding that and me having this
conversation with myself that’s vulnerability in me connecting with myself and understanding who I am in the
book I mentioned two ways of doing that um just irrespective of your religious beliefs pray
because what prayer does is prayer is you’re doing it by yourself and you are the most honest with the
things that you want and you are the most honest for the things that you’re grateful for so it’s not performative in any capacity
because you’re you’re earnestly asking your God or your algorithm or what have you for what you want and you’re
earnestly saying thank you and it could be thank you for you know thanks for letting me catch that last yellow light
so I made it on time or you know thanks for making sure I had enough money in my
bank account today to eat or whatever it is and it allows you to understand what’s important to you and journaling journaling with complete vulnerability
this is how we establish a better relationship with ourselves and when we establish that relationship with
ourselves and understand who we need and again the subtitle of this book is going easier on yourself that’s the first
thing in self-love you go easy on your friends you hold Grace for them you know sometimes we make excuses for our
friends even when they’re not at their best but we don’t do that for ourselves we’re so critical of ourselves because we keep hearing critical voices that
came from those who raised us or what we see on on social media or what we saw in media growing up so I think establishing
that relationship with yourself requires you to do it the same way you made relationships with anybody else the
challenge with a lot of this is a lot of these things happened to us when we were younger and we weren’t paying attention
you know we learned essential skills over years we didn’t learn them
overnight we didn’t learn how to read overnight it was adults putting us in in in repetition over years to get us to
learn how to read a book um but now if we want to start a new skill we we don’t and going being
vulnerable with ourselves and then prioritizing our self-respect over our self-esteem so there was a there was a
phrase you said to me earlier today which was there’s no such thing as mixed signals yeah in the
context of respecting ourselves yeah what did you mean by that there are no mixed signals mixed signals chapter in
the book mixing take mixed signals as a no let it let it let it be that
um I mean dating and not dating and again I’m I live in LA and I live in a world of you’re supposed to poke
everybody four times with an email if it’s work but the truth is you don’t the truth is I didn’t have to poke you for
this the truth is you know that agent who said she’d read my script at the poker four times I’ll take that I should take that as a no you know because I I
have been a full-time artist paying my bills for a decade now and if I reverse engineer my entire career very little of
it came from continually having to poke somebody or somebody with mixed signals you know and the same thing in the
dating World especially when it comes to women to men men don’t do mixed signals and I’m learning as somebody who’s
dating women if they are they all my best experiences with women never involve mixed signals in any capacity it
didn’t feel complicated it didn’t feel complicated and I also I respect that women have to feel comfortable and safe
but that still doesn’t have to manifest itself in terms of mixed signals it doesn’t manifest itself in getting a
text message every three days it doesn’t manifest itself in any of that capacity especially in a culture where everyone’s
looking at their phone all the time and and I may only be guilty of it in the capacity of when I don’t have an answer
for someone if somebody asked me a specific question I don’t have an answer I may not reply immediately but in terms
of social stuff like that I’m I’m available to reply to a text message do you have an opinion on
a lot of women today saying that they’re dating men and the men find them intimidating because
of what they’ve achieved because of the position they’re in in life um who they are their job title the money
they earn I’m curious both in terms of situations that you’ve seen out there
but also maybe even in your own life that you encounter do you have a take on this yeah I I think I shared
with you that story about a woman who wanted me to be her her side piece her third in in in in in in a relationship because
she had ended up partnering with a a gentleman primarily because he wouldn’t
get in her way of her personal and professional ambitions and um you know the energy that he
wasn’t butting heads with her when she wanted to do Larger than Life things but then apparently that wasn’t the type of
energy she required in the bedroom so he wasn’t threatened by her but he also
he was too far the other way I think he was very passive yeah I don’t think he was uh comfortable in his own skin I
think he was just extremely passive right um to the point where even when she brought up this idea of having another guy in her life
um I think he he was cool with that as well um so I think you know I I hesitate to
use the word beta but I think it was more along the lines of she tried to find somebody the the the path of least
resistance with this individual for her own personal side and I think she started to
realize that that wasn’t translating when it came to the type of energy she wanted in the bedroom so what about when women are coming across guys that are
the opposite they’re the opposite which I think they’re coming they’re afraid that because she’s earning this because
she’s that that they’re somehow threatened do you what what’s your take
on you know because a lot of women in those positions are saying it’s a very common thing they’re coming across those
guys a lot yeah and it’s a struggle yeah it definitely is I think there’s got to
be great for the fact that this is a new phenomenon you know the um it’s late but it’s it’s I’m glad it’s
here that the empowered woman you know making her money chasing her passions you know building what she needs to
build and what she wants to build this isn’t a phenomenon that was very common 50 years ago or 100 years ago and
um for thousands of years there were roles and everybody played the roles and now we’re in a a transition period and the
transition period is important but there’s got to be grace that there’s going to be some discomfort in that transition period And there are you know
I don’t have an issue in any capacity I’ve never found a woman to be intimidating for for making money or
even more money than me um but at the same time I can understand
that if you know I I was fortunate enough to have life experiences that may be much
more self-aware um and also have two very achieving High achieving sisters so if anything that
became the Benchmark for me so I wasn’t looking for the opposite I wasn’t looking for someone I could take care of I was looking for somebody with both
their own income and their own opinions um but I can completely understand that many people if if an aggregate weren’t
raised that way they were still raised with the traditional values and we’re going through this process right now of this time period where we’re picking and
choosing what parts of the old ways we like what parts of the new ways we like and I think that in itself is going to
be a challenge um I I think for women they should just hold the course I don’t think they
should in any way shape or form make any type of compromises for that um because
the compromise is what will have to be for life like when you play a game the only the only reward for playing for
doing well at any game is that you get to keep playing it so if your whole thing is if you’re gonna if you’re gonna dim your light so
your man feels better then you’re gonna have to dim your light forever and it’s changing I think a good example is as a
rapper chordae uh he is dating and I can’t remember her name but she is the the half Japanese tennis player the one
that got famous for uh unseating uh Serena Williams and he brag raps about
the fact that his woman has more money than him he brag raps about how other rappers are you know not dating women
who can’t pay their bills and you know and I think Big Sean at some point he was you know he was dating when he was
dating the cast member from Glee the one who unfortunately passed away recently um he bragged her up about his his
girlfriend having more money than him too right you know so I think you know the transition is there and self-aware
men do exist are they going to be a lot in the pool no
um but I think for anybody who gets more specific with what they actually uniquely require
um your pool will dramatically shrink but here’s the thing like the divorce rate’s at 50 percent
you know so why avoid that level of specificity people are afraid of setting
a name because they’re scared if they hit it and and I think for us you know it’s realizing that yeah you know if you
are a successful woman and you make a gang of money and you’re self-aware and you’re doing all this personal work and
you’re like now there’s less and less men that I connect with yes we’re focusing on quality not
quantity and um you know other work needs to be done in that capacity uh one
of the things that I that I noticed um which may or may not be seen as controversial is that
the old culture of women being difficult to get an easy to keep needs to be reversed and
women need to be easier to get easier to approach easier to connect with but
harder to keep I’ve been saying it for years I couldn’t agree more and that I
think goes back so it’s like oh well he’s not attracted give him a chance you know and a chance is three dates
give him three dates see what happens then you can confidently say what have
you because you’ve given to other people and you’ve ignored red flags and you’ve given them more than three days and then now you’re you’re trapped in this Loop
of of certain situations um and also as I said Grace as I said
like the whole premise of this book is about people going easier on themselves but the only way we can go in when we go
easier on ourselves and go easier on other people and um you know the the big one of the big discoveries I I got is
the you know holding Grace for myself when I was participating in the fuckboy
culture because what I realized what that really was for me specifically and and I think a lot of guys can relate to
this is I was just spending so much time trying to win her over that I never took time to figure out
if she was even good for me and then by the time I did all the work to win her over and scale her fence and and and and
win her over now she’s into me and now I’m looking at her to figure out if
she’s a good fit for me or not in addition to the fact that I haven’t even done much work to receive love
myself and then that’s when you get this kind of mixed signal idea of like he came so aggressively and so Charming to
win me over and then the second he got me and I showed him that he has me he pulled away and it’s because we have and
I have to remind myself regularly you’re not on a first date to win somebody over you’re on a first date to see if this
person aligns with what matters to you yes that work has to be done at home by
yourself with a journal way before you make the date and you know and then that could be reflective in a dating app
profile or that could be reflective having a conversation and I know one thing I’ve said to women is I’m you know
because I learned it the hard way I will only date somebody who’s actively
in therapy and I’ve had you know I’ve received paragraphs from women who have found
that to be discriminatory and I’ve as I said I’ve made the exception multiple times and every single time it’s bit me
in the ass and it’s you know again you have to hold your you have to Hold Your Position you know and then maybe that’ll
change as I as I move forward and start to realize that you know that might not be specific enough either and you know
we have we have a a common friend um I should be putting his business out there so I won’t say his name but his
his journey was we have to start couples therapy immediately as soon as we decide we’re
dating we’re starting couples therapy and I think you know he learned that through his journey of the different
women that he’s dated and realizing how important that is for him to not wait till something goes wrong before they
start doing the necessary work so I think and again all of that work happens alone
and I think the healthier we are alone the less likely we are out of fall you
know for a lot of the different traps that happen especially in this dating world so if doing the work alone means
learning how to love ourselves and practice self-love
and out of that will kind of boundaries will come and those
boundaries when we then have them with other people will be underpinned by that level of self-love and self-confidence
what are because self-love is something we hear over and over and over again if you were to almost enlist fashion of
like practical because I think this would be a really powerful way for us to finish this session yeah
if we could make self-love super practical for people like here’s what it actually looks like I think that would
help people so can we kind of one by one from whatever you can conjure from
memory almost make that list what can people who want to practice self-love so
that they have the relationship with themselves that means they hold to their boundaries when
they go into a relationship what can people do yeah so I think the first thing is if I can’t say the word divorce
I’ll say Explorer world where enoughness and worthiness are not a factor when it
comes to love and I think this is important because sometimes again we have cultural ideas of looking for my
better half there’s no you’re not a half a person you are a complete person and what I would say is if you need a better
analogy you are a pillar view yourself as a complete pillar and what you’re looking for now is another pillar that
you and you two together can hold more up and I think it’s Khalil gibranda says the more distance between the pillar the
more love that can flow through and the more you can hold up so I think the first thing is abandoning this idea that
you require somebody you know in order for you to feel complete nobody will make you feel complete the challenges
you have on on the inside will never be addressed on the outside George Carlin famously said it’s like taping
sandwiches to your body to address your hunger you can’t do it that takes us to prioritizing self-respect over
self-esteem self-esteem is gaining value from the outside world and we live in a society that does it super well we count
our likes we count our followers we got blue check marks we read comments all of these are self-esteem self-respect is
how you feel about yourself and the work necessary for you to feel better about yourself how to do that one of my
favorite pieces of advice I got from Steve Weatherford honor your commitments not not your feelings you say you’re
going to do something do it okay this is very important for ghost culture
but this is very important for life in general you say you’re going to be somewhere be there you say you’re going to do something do it you make a promise
the biggest problem is we break are always to ourselves and then when we break promises be easy on ourselves and figure out why if I say if I’ve been
waking up at noon every single day and I decide okay I’m gonna wake up at 8 A.M tomorrow it’s gonna be a challenge so
instead say Okay instead of me breaking that promise and beating myself up over it set an intention you know this people
are going to be hearing this in the New Year don’t make a New Year’s resolution making New Year’s intention intentions
are life long they’re not I need to lose 10 pounds and now you’re saying I I’m not worthy until I lose this 10 pounds
then you lose the 10 pounds and the Euphoria of it is isn’t even there you’re even with you hitting this
milestone in Jiu Jitsu the blue belt isn’t the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow the Blue Bell is is a it’s a
shade on the rainbow and the rainbow is never ending you know you’re only going to love Jiu-Jitsu as long as you can
continually learn new things and this is just a stop on the intention of you becoming the best Jujitsu artist that
you can possibly be so setting intentions I think is really important one of the greatest ways to do that is
just pick hard things pick challenging things and do it one of my favorite sayings is an easy day at the gym was
not a good day we live in a society especially in North America that sells us convenience convenience is an attack
on our resilience you and I both know this because the moment we sat in the ice not wanting to sit on the ice we learned
very quickly that we are dramatically more resilient than we ever realized we ever were and focusing on what we can do
regularly to build up that resilience will put us in a dramatically better situation that we’re in so prioritizing
that being our own best friend asking ourselves what would a perfect
best friend do and being that take yourself out on dates you know what
activities you enjoy doing take yourself to these activities again you’re going to be thinking I I had dinner with a
friend in London I was there last week they got an allergic reaction three
hours before and their eye was swollen it wasn’t it was noticeable but it
wasn’t end of the world they’re not going to let you in the restaurant type
situation she put on sunglasses so we’re having dinner in a dark
restaurant her wearing sunglasses and I’m like you’re you’ve become more noticeable because you’re wearing sunglasses indoors and she goes I’m
doing this to protect you I’m like protecting me from what cheers I don’t want people to look at you be like why
is he with this person with with swollen eyes and this is the upper League I’m not gonna think I hit her like she is her
upper eyelids were just extra swollen so she just looked high you know and it was realizing that how
much we start to think about the rest the rest of the world paying attention to us when they’re not and I said see
those people in the corner having Christmas dinner wearing the Santa hats I think everyone if anyone’s looking at anybody in this restaurant they see the
Santa hats because they’re bright red nobody’s noticing Us in the corner of this restaurant and it doesn’t matter even if they do and even if they do
notice us we don’t know what they’re looking at so I think it’s really important that we focus on our self-respect that means taking yourself
to the movies that means taking yourself to get your favorite meal I have a friend right now who travels the world
eating at Michelin star restaurants by themselves all over the world and and
they plan these out and and they have them all in their calendar and that’s how you build a deeper relationship with
yourself so often we are terrified of just spending time by ourselves and
either it’s because we’re dopamine addicts and we don’t know how to how to distract ourselves or we don’t enjoy our own company learn to enjoy your own
company and then somebody has to earn the right to take that out to take some of that the most important thing we have in this
world is our time you know the same way I don’t want people forfeiting their boundaries for some attention and
affection or status the same way you don’t want to forfeit your time because that’s the most valuable thing you have for anything else so self-love is that
also understand that a lot of things you know these ideas that we have that we don’t feel like we’re good enough we
don’t feel like we’re enough we think Perfection is required for some weird reason they’re not true in in the book I
make a reference to um you know there’s a YouTube video that shows that four minute YouTube video of Beyonce falling
off stage and the challenge is watch the video see if you love her any less you know her imperfections will not make
you will not disqualify her from her from your love if you already love her understand we live in a society the
context of everything matters we live in a society that needs us to buy [ __ ] we have to buy [ __ ] to keep things afloat
so the way they make us buy [ __ ] is by telling us you’re not enough as you are so buy some [ __ ] you need to own three
pairs of shoes you need to wear this makeup you need to wear this filter you need to do all these things because you’re not good enough as you are but
the truth is you there is no enoughness when it comes to you so recognize that these ideas are being fed to us not only
that when we romanticize ideas of relationships they’re being fed To Us by
media because the healthiest relationships would not make for good TV they would not make for good film you
know the hell the the most entertaining relationships are going to be with people with opposite attachment Styles playing a cat and mouse game and being
super toxic and that’s why we watch them that’s why we watch these realities it’s so funny isn’t it when you when you have
a clear sense of what a healthy relationship looks like to you it’s really it can ruin a lot of movies
yeah yeah because you watch things and you go this is stupid yeah like this is
really this this version of love is kind of pathetic it just and and sometimes the older the
movie is the more silly it looks because you’re just like oh my God you know like movies from the 90s or the 2000s there’s
just some really Daft movies out there there’s this I remember watching
Serendipity and just going what on Earth is this movie about
this is you know the female lead in it says they meet each other and they have
this great connection and I think she’s the one who says I’m just gonna walk away because
if if we’re really supposed to be together fate will bring us back together yeah and then we’ll we’ll know
yeah and it’s like what are you talking about yeah it’s really hard to meet someone you feel an instant connection
with explore that yeah honor that yeah don’t get in a taxi and leave hoping
that at some point in New York you’ll bump into each other again and then that will tell you that it was something real
like it’s the more you have a clear sense of a how valuable
you know things are yeah and and B what healthy love looks like the more of
these things just start to look absurd and and I think it’s also the big one too is the feeling again if you if go
back to your authentic relationships of love the feeling is peace it’s not pleasure it’s not even
excitement it’s peace I know Audrey will be nodding along when you say that because I know that’s a
Audrey has said that for a lot since the beginning of our relationship she’s just like peace is
the goal and it should be in the and the interesting thing about using that sentence piece is the goal is nothing is
acquired for peace things are removed because the piece is like at the bottom and you’re just taking away all the junk
you know so you don’t have to do or be anything for peace you just have to get
rid of all the extra mess and noise and I think that’s really important because again because we are informed by media
and we’re also informed by the people who raised us and if they had a very up
you know they had a roller coaster ride of a relationship we think that’s what it needs to be we think the validation
of having a jealous boyfriend means he loves me no the validation of being at peace and also being at peace isn’t
simply a quelling of anxiety you know like he finally replied to my text message I’m no longer anxious I’m
at peace like that you know that that is not the piece that we’re chasing because that’s so temporary right you’re only as
good as the next you’re only as good as the next you should be constantly at peace and you know the beauty of the
book attached which which explores attachment Styles and a lot of details one line I love about it so much is
we’re not saying we don’t believe in soul mates we’re saying you probably passed up on your soul mate because you
thought they were boring and I make her I have two sisters in my my middle sister has been with her husband since
they got married in 2003 I think they’ve been together since 99 or 2000. and
people don’t believe me when I say this but if you meet them you’ll see it they’ve never fought
ever and I’m not saying they haven’t disagreed I’ve watched them disagree I
think they’re both so aware of themselves and then again she practices stoicism so I think her her
emotional Keel is very is very unique but I watched them talk about where to live like where to buy a house
and she goes you know I thought about it I don’t care excuse you pick pick the neighborhood pick the place I really I I thought
about it I actually don’t care where we live you know go ahead and it’s like they didn’t have a reception for their
wedding they saved a gang of money didn’t throw a big party when they got married paid off their mortgage in 10
years and it’s just this could I make a TV show about them hell no you know they do cute things you know he
he uh she likes taking photos and then he takes those photos and hires a painter to paint them and then put them
up in the house like they do cute things but they’re not this no sir you can’t get a series out of that they’re not wrong the whole season now yeah they’re
not bothering Whitney they’re not rocking but they’re very healthy and you know they got two kids and it’s it’s you
know there’s they know what they like they know what they don’t they have and they have boundaries within their family and they have boundaries without and
they have unique things but I think there’s that you know a good piece of advice too is have love
role models and you know and you know you know the famous what would Jesus do like I think about them when I think
about really like what would they do in this situation how would they handle this I think that’s I think I I’ve
always you know believed in that idea of find yeah find those find those people
that do it differently than you have in your most toxic moments or the worst moments and look up what are they doing
differently how do they think differently how do they treat each other differently what are their beliefs like really model that yeah
um I love it I uh I have a book everyone should read before you go and read attached
and that is how to be loved um I I can’t remember if you said are
you say when you go out there and talk about it are you saying it’s called How to Be Love or how to be loved as your first I’m saying how to be loved how to
be loved just just for Google search purposes so go out and grab a copy of
how to be loved and if you if you open up the opening cover you know I give it all the way right
there more than showing you how to be loved I want to show you how to be love
Yeah well I think this whole chat has been an amazing introduction to the book
um it’s by my dear friend humble the poet one of my favorite people that’s that’s come into my life in the last
couple of years and I treasure our friendship and what an unbelievable pleasure it is to be grateful for that
on top of our friendship we actually get to connect like this and have a conversation in front of us another
fantastic example I I keep telling my friends who first move out to the city start networking just make friends and
one day if work lines up work lines up we you know we ran into each other at Jays and I mentioned this and you said
you should come on the podcast it’s like stuff lines up and lines up and even Audrey got something out of this
friendship because you have a dog yes called Boogie and now who’s sitting
right beside me sort of sleeping next to Audrey uh and that dog has become Audrey’s best friend so we now dog sit
for you anytime you’re out of town um well you liked Audrey more than me for sure well 100 more than me I mean I
literally you just came over and Audrey was in a meeting in the Next Room and Boogie was crying at Audrey’s door
because she could hear Roger’s voice so yeah she’s got us both beat on that one
but it’s been such a pleasure man and you know everyone go out and grab a copy
of how to be loved um it’s a beautiful book The not only is it uh full of really profound Concepts
but practical Concepts that can help you with not only finding love but loving yourself it also is really readable
um there’s lots of pull out quotes there’s lots of highlights on the key things so you can either sit with this
book cover to cover and read it that way or you can dip in and just pick the
fruit and take some of the really valuable things like the fruit I I say you can open it to any page and you’ll
find something with value I like that dip and pick the fruit yes maybe it just sounds good
and the moment I say if you’re gonna be like what but uh yeah it was written like that on purpose and I think and the
last thing I want to mention about the book is I book in there’s three sections you know what is love love yourself and
love for others but I book into each section with love stories I think it’s important that that we read those love
stories because they’re all non-conventional love stories and most of those love stories aren’t happy endings for me but they’re still
beautiful examples of Love um and and one of the ones I want to just talk about very very quickly was me
complaining to a female who wasn’t making time for me um making me wait a week for us to get
on a call or hang out or what have you and out of frustration I’m like don’t you ever get lonely and she said I do
get lonely and I’m like then you’re gonna miss hanging out with me when I get lonely I Just Dance
and I thought about it she goes I dance I connect with myself I connect with my body and and that helps me address my
loneliness and I just instantly stopped I’m like maybe I should dance some more and leave
you alone and um you know that story is called Lonely dances and really trying to find true love stories to talk about
and that was a love story not between me and her but between her discovering that her movements and and reacquainting
herself with her body was a beautiful way to to practice self-love that gave me goosebumps
yeah so I have I have various love stories in here that are not conventional and they’re challenging
um the challenging what we see on TV and I think that’s important thank you man appreciate you being here
thank you so much for having me man wait a minute before you go
what are you about to click on right now I’ll tell you the one that’s come up on mine wasps in figs
figs have tiny dead wasps inside them now is that changing your life no no it’s not changing mine but I have
something that will change your life if you go to your dating
you can put in your name select the dating challenge that most applies to your life right now and this
tool will recommend one of my solutions that best fits your needs where you are
in your love life right now check it out at your dating
[Music] foreign

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The post How To Love Yourself Ft. Humble the Poet [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.

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