This is a series of posts designed to help people approach diversity and inclusion. These are questions and scenarios we’ve actually heard or seen in the wild. This is part of our corporate programming for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. For more information, click here.
Q: At our family holiday gatherings, we are very careful to avoid talking about politics, gender, race etc., because family members have different points of view. We have an unwritten code that it is more important to keep the family intact than to confront people on their bigotry. But lately, I am getting uncomfortable with this. Is it OK to want to keep our family together or does that cause me to be a part of the system White Supremacy by ignoring the racism and sexism that I know runs deep within family members?
Family dynamics are a pain in the ass.
We don’t choose the people in our family. We’re thrust together by birth, blood, and lineage. And there are often family members that we would never hang out with if we weren’t related.
My family has always been a train wreck. Not like a train wreck where the engineer does a little cocaine and maybe runs off the track into some poor farmer’s field and annoys some cows. More like a bullet train smashing through a nuclear reactor that opens a wormhole which leads to a vortex of multi-dimensional suffering that smells like feet and rotten kale.
And, I grew up with a racist grandfather who was also a very accomplished drinker. A belligerent, nasty one.
He really didn’t like non-whites. And if he was alive today, he’d likely find a bunch of other people to hate too.
But my dad, his son, never shared his father’s views. In fact, my father taught at a predominantly black school in Baltimore City.
There were some holidays and Sunday dinners that were fine. My grandmother was an amazing cook, and I’ve really fond memories of spending time at my grandparents’ house with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.
But sometimes my grandfather started drinking early. Early enough that he was loaded before the kids had gone home. My great uncle used to say, “ Wow, your grandfather has tied one on already.”
It was those evenings when my grandfather would climb up on his racist soapbox to deliver an oratory of hate. Sometimes the newspaper or TV news would set him off. Sometimes a disagreement about politics with an uncle was all it took. In any case, the shouting would begin.
“Get your things, we’re leaving,” my dad would say to my mom, my brother, and I. We’d leave the drunken rage monster to rage on without us.
This might not sound like much, but in that era, it was.
My parents were setting boundaries and creating consequences.
The boundaries were being unwilling to listen to my grandfather’s bullshit. The consequences were our absence and him not getting to spend time with his grandchildren. And also not getting any attention when more of the family left by our example.
He was cut off, though temporarily.
Weeks later, we might do the whole family dinner thing again. If my grandfather started up with that stuff, we’d leave. If he didn’t, if the evening was pleasant, we’d stay.
It took a long time.
Years.
Eventually, setting those boundaries at least shut him up even if it didn’t immediately change what was in his heart. And that coupled with eventually quitting drinking did apparently change him by the end of his life. As an adult, I never heard him speak of those things.
We don’t have to tolerate these people or their behavior. You say the prejudices “run deep” in your family, so arguing with them or cajoling them will likely be less than effective. We have to take care of ourselves and others that need us, so our energies should be directed where they can produce meaningful change. But we need to lead by example and not condone the madness with our silence. Sometimes that means removing ourselves and/or our children from the situation.
But what if the hate is quiet?
What if it’s swimming in murky bitterness just below the surface?
Like in your situation.
There are families where no one is preaching hateful things at holiday dinners. And everyone keeps the conversation to small talk in order to avoid arguments or tough confrontation. Yet we know certain family members carry dark points of view about politics, gender, race, etc.
Social media has shed a lot of light on this. We know things about family, about co-workers, about bosses that a lot of us wish we didn’t.
And when we know, we must act.
Not long ago, an acquaintance of mine said, “We don’t break bread with bigots. Because doing so is a tacit agreement with them. Period.”
It’s not acceptable.
At all.
At any time.
We have to come to terms with the hard truth that “keeping the peace” really means “upholding the status quo”, a status quo that enables white supremacy. Saying “I don’t want to talk about racism at my family dinner” is really the same argument as “I don’t want to see someone kneeling because I don’t want to be reminded of racism while I’m watching a football game.” It’s how abusers work. It is what abusers count on — the silence of people who want to preserve the peace.
And sadly, some folks are not going to change because they want to be racist. They enjoy the benefits they get from a racist world. So they must be ostracized both as a consequence and also to prevent them from infecting others with their views like my parents did for me when I was little.
And if there are younger people in your family who you feel may be open to having these difficult but healing conversations, you must do your best to keep the lines of communication open with them. Be a bridge, not a wall.
Yes, this is difficult.
It is.
But think of how difficult it is for the people on the other end of the hate and cruelty. We cannot condone that suffering with our silence.
Ever.
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The post All in the Family: Racism at the Dinner Table appeared first on The Good Men Project.